Garbage Pail Politician

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 22, 2009:

A New Jersey politician who was found asleep headfirst in a neighbor's trash can after a night of drinking has apologized and says he's embarrassed. No charges have been filed against Ron, who is the upstart Ronatarian Party's founder and leader.

Ron said he had dinner and drinks with friends in nearby Newark on Saturday night. He said he was driven home in roommate Brad's Dodge Neon, but remembers little that happened after that.

A neighbor found Ron in the trash can early Sunday and called police, who helped Ron home.

Jersey City Police Chief Tim Deeringer said no crime was committed and that Ron was cooperative and not a threat to anyone.

"He smelled awful...like booze and coffee grounds," said Deeringer.

The City Council president said she will call a special meeting next week to discuss Ron's status with the city as this is not his first offense involving alcohol.

Posted by Bittle at 09:17 AM | Comments (0)

Horizon Red Ale

St. Paul, Minnesota, June 5, 2009:

While drinking at a bar on Friday night, I spied this advertisement for Summit Brewing Company's Horizon Red Ale. I had to double-take to make sure my bloodshot eyes were focusing correcting and my beer-addled brain was comprehending the significance of what I saw.

There, on the bar, was a foldable paper ad combining mustaches and beer.

Everyone knows Ron adores beer. Everyone knows Ron has a distinctive mustache. (And some even remember Ron's fascination with red-headed women.) Summit Brewing obviously merged the two pillars of Ron -- beer and a mustache -- into a powerful ad campaign. If this isn't an endorsement of Ron's desire to right what is wrong with America, I don't know what is.

- Bittle

Posted by Bittle at 11:57 PM | Comments (0)

Mustache as Art

Los Angeles, California, May 20, 2009:

The mustache gets a bad rap. Sometimes it is considered the mark of a cad. But something caught my eye at the world famous Getty Museum in Los Angeles: A poster treating the mustache as art.

The gift shop at the Getty sells alphabet posters with each letter standing for an item contained in the works of art housed by the museum.

For the letter M, the mustache is cited. This is fantastic news! Of all the wondrous works an art museum might hold, the Getty chose the symbol of Ron -- the mustache -- to represent the letter M.

If this isn't an endorsement of Ron's policies towards art, the alphabet, and posterized paintings, I don't know what is. The Getty Museum and all of its benefactors and visitors are obviously in support of the movement Ron has championed. They must also endorse his facial hair.

While I don't feel Ron will ever lose his "common man" role, I believe that this step towards being more sophisticated is a good one for him and his constituency.

Huzzah!

- Bittle

Posted by Bittle at 09:38 AM | Comments (1)

Snarr-stache

Murray, Utah, May 8, 2009:

The mayor of the Salt Lake City suburb of Murray says he has little choice but to shave his nearly foot-long handlebar mustache for charity. Dan Snarr is putting the decision to a vote of residents and says his fashion statement is "getting creamed."

"People are voting 'shave.' It's a way to get back at an elected official," said Snarr, who has sported the waxed mustache for three years but now is resigned to shaving.

Besides, his wife hates it. She's sick of puckering up for a kiss and getting poked in the eye.

Yet the 59-year-old Snarr also is facing pressure from the mustache lobby. The St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute got wind of his plans and called on Snarr to keep a stiff upper lip in the face of opposition.

The Mustache Institute is demanding Snarr "recant" his shaving pledge and find another way to support the Children's Miracle Network.

"This could include shaving your head, your back or committing to not clipping your toenails for up to eight months," the group's leaders wrote to the mayor.

Snarr said he had never heard of the Mustache Institute and isn't certain how to respond to the letter. "It's like politics -- whatever you do, you're damned," he said.

The New Jersey-based Ronatarian Party has also voiced its opposition to Snarr's proposed trimming.

"It's an outrage that a fellow politician would even consider shaving his or her glorious mustache to placate his constituency," said party chief Ron. "F*ck who voted for you, man! You're in power now...do what you want."

A local Costco warehouse store says residents have been voting since May 1. The paper ballots will be counted May 16.

Snarr said the last he checked, shave votes in one glass jar far outnumber the save votes in another and that his graying mustache was doomed. But the vote is tightening, a store manager said Thursday.

Still, Snarr says the only voter who matters is his wife, April, who calls her husband's mustache "obnoxious."

Snarr should face down his opposition -- mainly women -- and keep his mustache, said Aaron Perlut of St. Louis, chairman of the Mustache Institute and a social-media consultant.

Perlut said mustaches fell out of favor in the 1970s and that his group's most recent surveys shows only 20 percent of women favor them. That's why more men are sporting tiny "chin" beards, which Perlut calls a "spousal compromise."

The group stands in defense of the singular mustache, rejecting all other styles of facial hair, even beards.

The Ronatarian Party has never officially placed mustaches on its party platform, but the group is stridently pro-mustache in all public forums.

Posted by Bittle at 08:43 AM | Comments (0)

Sing It Loud

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, April 23, 2009:

A man was acquitted Wednesday after being arrested for refusing to heed a police officer's command he stop singing in a public park. A judge found Ron not guilty of disorderly conduct, saying "This is America, not Afghanistan."

Ron, an aspiring politician from New Jersey, had faced a three month sentence after loudly singing "A Change is Gonna Come" in Rittenhouse Square in downtown Philadelphia in October (2008).

Greg Wilkinson, the arresting officer, testified Ron was singing so loud his voice drowned out his police radio.

"All he had to do was lower his voice and this never would have happened," prosecutor William James said.

Witnesses testified that Ron had asked Wilkinson what the law was restricting him from singing in the park. Wilkinson responded that he was the law. When Ron asked Wilkinson whether he was still in America, Wilkinson replied "this is Afghanistan," according to witnesses.

The city is now reviewing what sorts of music should be allowed in its public parks.

Defense attorney Evan Shingles said Ron had every right to ignore the officer's unlawful command.

Posted by Bittle at 04:15 PM | Comments (0)

Crime of the Century Club

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 14, 2009:

Ron was supposed to report for jury duty in a drunk driving case. Instead, according to authorities, the New Jersey man skipped the jury duty so he could drink himself.

Ron received a summons to appear as a prospective juror in the case. When he didn't show up on Monday, a bailiff called his house. Ron told the bailiff he was too busy to come to court.

Associate Circuit Judge Samuel Thompson instructed officers to bring Ron to the courthouse. Deputies say they detected a strong odor of alcohol on him. Ron was held in custody while the DWI trial went on.

Authorities say Ron told the judge he had been drinking rum in the morning. Thompson found Ron in contempt of court and fined him $250.

Ron was released after Thompson gave him a condescending tongue lashing. After the tirade, Thompson mentioned how he admired Ron's tenacity in running for president every four years. After praising his political determination, Thompson told Ron he would wipe the incident off his permanent record, but would not tolerate a similar event in the future.

Posted by Bittle at 08:05 AM | Comments (0)

Poem

How come so many conservative Christians
insist the only method of birth control
that is 100% effective is abstinence?
I can think of one documented case where
even THAT didn't work -- and you'd
think they'd all be familiar with it.

(Chris Irby) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:47 PM